TLDR;
This video challenges the conventional understanding of "red flags" in relationships, arguing that they are often oversimplified, deterministic, and lack scientific basis. It explores the relational dynamics that contribute to perceived red flags and offers insights into personal vulnerabilities that can lead to unhealthy relationship patterns. The video suggests focusing on self-awareness and personal growth rather than solely seeking a "perfect" partner.
- Red flags are often deterministic and lack scientific basis.
- Personal vulnerabilities can lead to unhealthy relationship patterns.
- Self-awareness and personal growth are key to successful relationships.
Disclaimer [0:00]
The content of the video is complex and red flags can't be boiled down to simple things.
Introduction (What is a red flag) [0:08]
The purpose of a red flag is to signal a problem in a relationship to avoid wasting time. This assumes that future problems can be predicted by present behavior and that these problems are unsolvable. Articles often list behaviors as red flags, suggesting that these signs mean the relationship won't work out and one should break up. However, the video questions the validity of such deterministic advice, asking if a single instance of a listed behavior warrants a breakup.
Subjectivity [3:49]
The video questions the origin and definition of red flags, highlighting that articles listing them resonate with personal experiences. These statements are emotionally engaging but lack a predictive model. It raises the question of whether perceived dismissiveness or jealousy is solely the partner's fault or if the individual contributes to the situation. The core issue with red flags is the lack of appreciation for one's own behavior as a contributing factor, assuming the red flag is entirely within the other person.
The problem with generalisation [11:14]
The video identifies three main problems with the concept of red flags. First, they lack a relational component, ignoring how both partners influence each other's behaviors. Second, they are deterministic, assuming that negative behaviors cannot change over time, which contradicts the idea that successful relationships involve mutual feedback and change. Third, red flags are not based in science or measurable ways, instead relying on summaries of experiences that resonate emotionally but lack substance. Research on red flags in relationships is limited, with studies focusing on subjective perceptions rather than objective outcomes. Red flags are gender and age-dependent, and what constitutes a red flag for one person may not for another. Successful relationships can exist despite the presence of red flags, as people can change over time.
Using relationships as a band aid [16:25]
The video shifts focus to why people fall victim to red flags, emphasizing the relational component. A primary reason is trying to fix personal deficiencies through a relationship, such as using a partner to combat loneliness or provide financial support. This can lead to ignoring red flags and creating codependent relationships where personal needs overshadow the relationship's health. It's important to differentiate between building a relationship where responsibilities are divided and using the relationship to satisfy personal needs.
Making excuses for a partner [21:41]
Another red flag within oneself is making excuses for a partner's behavior, such as covering for their drinking problem or abusive actions. While some covering is normal, consistently making excuses indicates underlying issues. It's important to hold partners accountable and address the reasons behind the excuses.
Lopsided compromise [24:01]
Compromise is essential in relationships due to differences in capabilities and desires. A red flag arises when compromises are lopsided, with one partner consistently accommodating the other. This requires both partners to participate, as one enables the behavior while the other performs it.
Avoid being deterministic [26:38]
Thinking that a partner must meet specific criteria and breaking up if they exhibit any red flags is itself a red flag. Hypersensitivity to vague, emotionally conceptualized red flags can hinder the formation of healthy relationships. Those who constantly date the wrong person may need to examine their own perceptions and approach to relationships.
Covering can be enabling [29:18]
The video summarizes three key points to watch out for in oneself: avoid trying to fix personal problems through another person, stop making excuses for a partner's behavior, and address lopsided compromises. Consistently covering for a partner can enable bad behavior, and while some covering is normal, it should not be a constant pattern.
Questions [32:07]
Measuring compromise is difficult due to cognitive bias in how each partner weighs the benefits. Successful relationships can exist between people with different worldviews if they reconcile those views through communication. Avoiding problems is not always the solution; instead, give people the opportunity to grow and change. Covering for a partner is acceptable if it's reciprocated and not a constant occurrence. If others assume a red flag about you, work on what you can change and decide if the red flag is fair. To deal with a dependent person, have open conversations, set boundaries, and understand that their mental health is ultimately their responsibility. If you are the dependent person, accept more responsibility and seek independence in small, manageable steps. Acknowledge anxious thoughts during breaks and tolerate the anxiety rather than ignoring it.
