TLDR;
This YouTube video features a discussion among incarcerated men participating in the "Success Stories" program, focusing on the harmful effects of patriarchy and toxic masculinity. The men share personal stories of how these societal norms led to violence, addiction, and emotional disconnection. They explore the importance of vulnerability, integrity, and challenging traditional gender roles to foster healthier relationships and communities. The conversation also touches on feminism, homophobia, and rape culture, emphasizing the need for men to actively combat oppressive behaviors and embrace emotional intelligence.
- The video explores the negative impacts of patriarchy and toxic masculinity on men's lives, leading to violence, addiction, and emotional disconnection.
- Participants share personal stories and insights on breaking free from these harmful norms.
- The discussion covers topics such as feminism, homophobia, rape culture, and the importance of vulnerability and integrity.
Introduction: The Impact of "Be a Man" [0:14]
The speaker starts by referencing the common phrase "be a man," highlighting how it implies that being female is somehow inferior. He shares that adhering to this idea of manhood led him to prison and addiction, as he learned to suppress his emotions to conform to societal expectations. This intro sets the stage for a discussion on the negative impacts of traditional masculinity.
Growing Up with Patriarchy [1:08]
One participant reflects on growing up in a household where his father was the strong, silent provider. He acknowledges the positive aspects of his upbringing but also recognizes the limitations of the "boys don't cry" mentality. This personal reflection underscores the complexities of patriarchy and its impact on shaping men's identities.
Choosing the Type of Man to Be [1:55]
The speaker emphasizes that men have the agency to choose the type of man they want to be. This statement serves as a call to action, encouraging men to challenge societal norms and define their own identities based on personal values rather than traditional expectations.
Appreciation for Facilitation and Challenging Patriarchy [2:44]
A participant expresses gratitude to the group facilitator for challenging patriarchal thinking. He acknowledges his initial resistance due to his beliefs and upbringing but admires the facilitator's courage in standing firm. This exchange highlights the importance of challenging deeply ingrained beliefs and the value of mentorship in personal growth.
Realness and Vulnerability [3:31]
A participant shares a poem about his past, admitting his own fakeness and struggles with masculinity. He reflects on how he used to act tough to fit in, highlighting the pressure men face to conform to societal expectations. The poem touches on themes of fear, isolation, and the inability to experience joy or love when forced to wear a false mask.
Success Stories: Opening Up and Sharing Ideas [4:55]
The speaker introduces "Success Stories" as a space for men to open up, express their ideas, and be acknowledged for who they truly are, not who they pretend to be. He acknowledges that many of them have "sold out" at some point, ignoring what's important, and emphasizes the importance of creating a safe space for vulnerability and honesty.
Exercise: Identifying Priorities [6:00]
The group engages in an exercise where they list the five most important people in their lives and the five things they must accomplish before they die. They then cross out two things from each list to determine what is most important to them. This exercise aims to help the men identify their core values and priorities.
Confronting Patriarchy in Prison [6:57]
A participant recounts his initial experience with the group, where he felt that they were condemning the street life but still upholding patriarchal ideas of manhood. He notes that they were criticizing illegal activity but not necessarily patriarchal activity, highlighting the need to challenge all forms of harmful behavior.
Sharing Personal Top Five Lists [7:40]
A participant shares his top five most important people and goals, including God, his child, his mother, spiritual influence, public ministry, getting off parole, finding a career, and helping people. This personal sharing fosters connection and vulnerability within the group.
Insecurity and the Mask of Masculinity [8:15]
A participant discusses how his insecurity led him to commit crimes. He explains that he felt pressured to conform to a hyper-violent, hyper-masculine ideal of black manhood, leading him to hang out with gang members and get high. This personal story illustrates the destructive consequences of trying to fit into societal expectations.
Prison as a Space for Reflection [9:18]
A participant describes his prison cell and how he uses the space for reflection and spirituality. He mentions looking up to figures like Malala Yousafzai and Beyoncé, and how his wife's support has helped him cope with incarceration. He also shares how reading bell hooks and experiencing a lockdown led him to see how men were destroying themselves through patriarchal behavior.
Reverting to Support Systems [10:34]
The speaker reflects on how facing a 150-year sentence made him realize that the "hood life" wasn't worth it. He describes reverting to the people who always had his back, such as his wife, mentor, and best friend, and analyzing everything around him. This highlights the importance of strong support systems in navigating difficult times.
Goals and Aspirations [11:33]
A participant shares his goals of getting out of jail, having kids, and graduating from high school. He reflects on how he used to aspire to be a gangster but now wants to get a job and provide for his family. This shift in aspirations demonstrates the potential for personal growth and change.
Disconnect Between Values and Actions [12:06]
The group discusses instances where their actions didn't align with their stated values. One participant shares how his addiction overshadowed his responsibilities as a husband and father, even though he thought he was doing well. This highlights the importance of self-awareness and aligning actions with values.
Ego vs. Important People [12:51]
A participant reflects on how his ego was more important than his mother when he committed crimes. He acknowledges that he didn't think about his mother when he was firing a pistol, but later realized the importance of family. This realization underscores the need to prioritize loved ones over ego and pride.
Confusing Physical Dominance with Respect [13:21]
A participant shares a childhood memory of defending himself after being attacked, and how he began to confuse physical dominance with respect. He explains that this pattern led him to solve problems with force, causing insecurities and maladaptive behavior. This story illustrates how early experiences can shape harmful patterns of behavior.
Honesty and the Desire to Go Home [14:25]
A young participant admits that he still participates in gang activity and initially joined the groups to improve his chances of getting out of prison. He acknowledges that it's not easy to open up but that he's trying. This honesty highlights the complexities of personal change and the challenges of navigating the prison system.
Struggling with Identity and Addiction [15:18]
A participant shares his struggles with identity and addiction, explaining that he started drinking at age 10 and using other drugs at age 14. He recounts a specific incident where he was shamed for his clothing in junior high, leading him to suppress his individuality. This story illustrates the impact of bullying and the pressure to conform.
Violence as a Response to Offense [16:28]
The speaker explains that he was taught to respond to offense with violence, leading to his arrest. He acknowledges that he once believed in being tough but realized it was too late after committing a heinous act. This reflection underscores the destructive consequences of violence and the need to challenge this mindset.
Loss and Grief [17:17]
A participant shares his grief over the death of a friend, expressing the surreal feeling of his absence. He recounts writing a song the day after learning of his friend's overdose, highlighting the power of creative expression in coping with loss.
Cheesy Pop Music as a Release [18:51]
A participant shares that he makes "cheesy pop music" because he doesn't like feeling the way he felt when he wrote a particular song. This suggests that he uses music as a way to express and process difficult emotions.
Christian Upbringing and Worldly Music [19:42]
A participant describes growing up in a strict Christian household where his father, an elder in the church, restricted access to "worldly music." He shares a memory of sneaking into the den to watch a Snoop Dogg video, highlighting the tension between religious upbringing and personal interests.
Murder and the Desire to Feel Big [20:20]
A participant reveals that he murdered someone at age 15 because he felt small and wanted to feel big. He acknowledges that it was a senseless act and that he didn't feel big afterward. This confession underscores the destructive consequences of insecurity and the desire for power.
The Cycle of Retaliation [21:01]
The group discusses the "ride or die" mentality and the pressure to retaliate when someone harms a loved one. A participant shares a story about his brother's murder and how he initially planned to kill the perpetrator.
Choosing Forgiveness Over Revenge [22:23]
The participant recounts how he encountered his brother's murderer in prison and initially wanted to kill him. However, after arguing with God, he realized that he had a choice and decided to forgive him. He shares that the first thing the murderer said was "I'm sorry for what I took from you," and he forgave him without regard for what others thought. This powerful story illustrates the possibility of breaking the cycle of violence and choosing forgiveness.
Objectification and Emotional Disconnection [24:53]
A participant reflects on how he used to objectify people, seeing them as obstacles rather than individuals. He explains how he started drinking and smoking weed to fit in, and how he objectified women to prove his manhood. He acknowledges that this way of thinking led him to murder someone because he was emotionally disconnected and wanted to be accepted more than he valued another human being's life.
Patriarchy's Influence on Personal Choices [26:32]
The participant realizes that his actions were rooted in patriarchy and the distorted beliefs he internalized from his family, culture, and community. He shares that reading bell hooks helped him understand how he was damaging relationships due to these beliefs. He now rejects the idea that men are superior to women and that he should be the head of the house simply because he's a man.
Uncomfortable Truths and Deeper Issues [27:17]
The speaker acknowledges that the topics being discussed are uncomfortable because they stem from deeper issues. He emphasizes the importance of confronting these issues to understand what's really happening and what the real problem is.
The Quest for Normalcy [27:47]
A participant shares his experience of being diagnosed with cerebral palsy at age three and constantly trying to prove himself as normal. He explains how he lived a life of solitude and entered a "rat race" of trying to fit in, leading him to carry weapons to equalize the part of him that felt lesser.
Survival and the Fake It 'Til You Make It Mentality [29:10]
The speaker reflects on how many times they tell themselves that being a man and carrying themselves a certain way is their survival. He acknowledges the "fake it 'til you make it" mentality and the aggressive persona they adopt to compensate for feeling lesser.
Prison Routine and Reflection [29:59]
The speaker describes the prison routine and how inmates are locked up from 9 PM to 6 AM, providing time for reflection. He mentions that this is often when they see each other and have meaningful conversations.
Success Stories: Patriarchy as a Hindrance to Success [30:32]
The speaker introduces the "Success Stories" conversation, emphasizing that patriarchy is the biggest hindrance to their success. He asserts that everyone in the room, including himself, has prioritized patriarchal expectations over their own goals.
Nervousness and Excitement [31:23]
The speaker expresses his nervousness and excitement about the conversation, noting that it will likely be his last one there.
Defining Patriarchy and Resistance to the Concept [31:49]
The speaker shares that he wrote down some quotes from bell hooks to get a clear definition of patriarchy. He mentions having a discussion with someone who was resistant to the concept, arguing that patriarchy is good because his father was a patriarch. This highlights the difficulty some people have in accepting the negative aspects of patriarchy.
Betraying Family and Affirming Violence [32:53]
The speaker shares that he felt like he was betraying his father by criticizing patriarchy. He acknowledges that his father lived responsibly but still affirmed violence in terms of how men were supposed to be. He recounts how his father told him to hit back if someone hit him and to hit first if he thought they were going to hit him.
Compartmentalization and Integrity [33:58]
The speaker quotes bell hooks on compartmentalization and integrity, emphasizing that integrity is painful but necessary for wholeness. He believes that if he had known this back then, he would have been a different person and would not have committed murder.
Calling Out Patriarchal Behavior [34:16]
The speaker reflects on how calling out patriarchal behavior was not well-received initially. He explains that the fear is that if they show who they really are, it won't be good enough and they'll be ostracized.
Toxic Masculinity: Athleticism, Objectifying Women, and Money [34:49]
The speaker explains that in toxic masculinity, a man becomes a "real man" by excelling in athletic skills, objectifying women, and having money. He argues that athleticism ultimately comes down to violence, and that the "coldest" football player is the one who can beat someone up.
Cultural Affirmation of Toxic Masculinity [35:31]
The speaker discusses how society props up men who objectify women, using terms like "pimp," "player," and "got hoes." He also explains how violence is glorified, with phrases like "he's with the bullsh*t," "he got hands," and "he's down."
Payoffs and Costs of Toxic Masculinity [37:00]
The group discusses the payoffs and long-term costs of buying into toxic masculinity. The payoffs include glory, reputation, acceptance, and self-esteem, while the costs include prison, license, emotional death, and loneliness.
Patriarchal Culture vs. Toxic Masculinity [38:33]
The speaker explains the difference between toxic masculinity and patriarchy. Toxic masculinity is what an individual does with their masculinity, while patriarchy is when everyone in a society is feeling that to some level. He clarifies that they are not saying it's bad to be a male and be a leader, but that you don't deserve to be a leader just because you're male.
Consequences of Patriarchy: Oppression and Homophobia [39:14]
The group discusses the consequences of patriarchy, including the oppression of women and the use of homophobia as a code word to enforce gender roles. They also mention gang banging, domestic violence, and rape culture as manifestations of patriarchal beliefs.
Rape Culture and Victim Blaming [40:25]
The speaker explains that rape culture involves victim blaming and making excuses for rapists. He emphasizes that rapists exist in our culture and that we make it okay for them to think it's okay to do what they do.
The Solution: Integrity and Wholeness [41:05]
The speaker presents the solution to patriarchy as having integrity, which involves being one person and not cutting off emotions. He emphasizes the importance of living for the people and goals on their top five lists, even when the culture is saying to be different.
Feminism and Challenging Men [43:20]
The speaker states that he is a feminist and that it's important for men to talk about feminism and patriarchy explicitly. He acknowledges that some men get defensive when challenged and called out.
Initial Resistance to Feminism [44:07]
A participant shares his initial perspective on feminism, viewing it as women wanting to take the position of men. He admits that he was resistant to the idea of taking information from someone he perceived as living in victimhood.
Recognizing and Addressing Harmful Beliefs [44:54]
The speaker explains that when he sees resistance to feminism, he recognizes it and uses it as an opportunity to challenge those beliefs. He shares that reading bell hooks helped him realize that he did believe that the number of women he had sex with added value to him as a man.
Prison as a Microcosm of Society [45:23]
The speaker asserts that prison is a microcosm of society, and that they pick up certain belief systems from TV and the heroes they are given. He uses the example of Bugs Bunny solving problems with violence to illustrate how children learn from cartoons.
Facing Pressure from Women [46:16]
The group discusses how to face pressure from women who may call them names for having integrity and not conforming to traditional gender roles. One participant shares that his wife has called him a "punk" many times, but it doesn't bother him because he knows what it is.
Addressing the Fear of Being Bullied [47:14]
A participant expresses concern about teaching his children to be vulnerable and express their emotions, fearing that they will be bullied at school. The speaker responds that it is their job to instill integrity in their children and to challenge the behaviors that contribute to bullying.
Redefining Manhood [50:38]
The speaker emphasizes that being a man has to be redefined.
Personal Experiences with Violence and Bullying [51:48]
A participant shares his personal experiences with violence and bullying, explaining that he grew up without a father figure and was bullied for being poor. He admits that he became addicted to violence because he saw what it created.
Fear and Myths [53:01]
The speaker notes that many of the questions are in the form of "what ifs" and that fear perpetuates the problem. He argues that they use myths and fears to justify being the bullies themselves.
Abuse and Defensive Mechanisms [53:33]
A participant shares his experience of growing up in a household with different forms of abuse. He explains that feeling abused, humiliated, and terrified led him to develop defensive mechanisms, such as anger and rage.
Breaking the Cycle and Emotional Intelligence [55:04]
A participant shares his goal of breaking the cycle of violence and broken relationships that he experienced in his family. He emphasizes the importance of instilling emotional intelligence in his son and providing him with an outlet to talk about his feelings.
Rape Culture and Compartmentalization [57:12]
The speaker explains that within rape culture, maybe not everyone commits rape, but they all participate in the culture that leads to rape happening. He connects this back to compartmentalization, explaining that it's okay to look at a woman in a sexually objectifying way but not okay if someone were to do that to their daughter.
Challenging Traditional Gender Roles [58:34]
The group discusses how it's a bad thing to say that a man is supposed to be a provider and a protector because it implies that women can't do it. The speaker argues that assigning these roles to gender makes it seem like a person's value comes from being a man.
Providing Through Illegal Means [59:41]
The speaker points out that many of them sold drugs to feed their kids and patted themselves on the back for doing what a man is supposed to do.
Informing the Work of Success Stories [1:00:57]
The speaker discusses how the experiences and insights shared by participants inform the work of Success Stories. He mentions that they wouldn't talk about street harassment if it wasn't for one participant.
Street Harassment and Compliments [1:01:36]
The speaker notes that some people push back against the language of street harassment, arguing that it's a compliment.
Visiting Soledad Prison [1:02:13]
The speaker's wife describes her experience visiting him in Soledad Prison, noting that it's a two-hour drive. She shares that they had to get married in the county jail and that she's excited for him to come home soon.
Justice and Safety [1:03:37]
The speaker's wife discusses the challenges faced by incarcerated individuals and the need for programs to help them come out better than they were before. She defines justice as fixing what was broken and safety as having people come home from prison who are going to be better than they were before they went away.
Patriarchy and Vulnerability [1:04:22]
The speaker's wife explains that patriarchy teaches men not to be vulnerable or ask for help, which led to her husband committing a robbery when he lost his job. She believes that if he had reached out for help, he wouldn't be where he is today.
Richard's Courageous Work in Prison [1:04:53]
The speaker's wife commends Richard for his courageous work in battling patriarchy in prison, describing it as nothing short of a miracle. She emphasizes the importance of men having difficult conversations with other men and pushing back against toxic masculinity.
Organizing on the Inside and Outside [1:06:07]
The speaker's wife notes that she does a lot of organizing on the outside, while Richard does a lot of organizing on the inside. She emphasizes that male feminists need to talk to their homies who are perpetuating oppressive culture.
Childhood Memories and False Beliefs [1:06:45]
The speaker explains that most people's greatest or worst memories revolve around childhood. He argues that everyone around them profits from confirming their beliefs, but that's a lie.
Authority and Expressing Emotions [1:07:10]
A participant shares his experience of growing up with a father who only had two emotions: quiet or angry. He explains that he learned to express his emotions through anger and violence.
Fear of the Unknown [1:08:26]
The speaker explains that the fear is the unknown and that people are afraid of what they will have if they don't have what they're used to.
Changing Circumstances and Reactions [1:08:56]
The speaker questions whether they will react the same way when they get on the streets and the circumstances are different.
Happiness and Excitement [1:09:25]
The speaker expresses his happiness and excitement about the opportunity to do this work and that they have people who are down to really push this stuff.
Athleticism vs. Violence [1:09:51]
The speaker explains that athleticism is often associated with violence in toxic masculine culture. He uses the example of a football player versus a male ballerina to illustrate this point.
Homophobic Link to Toxic Masculinity [1:10:27]
The speaker notes that when he gave the presentation in front of the board, one of the guys asked him if he didn't like girls now. He argues that this is a homophobic link to toxic masculinity, where anything outside of traditional gender roles is called "gay."
Stopping Harm in the Future [1:10:50]
The speaker states that if there is any possible way to take back the things he's done to all the people he's harmed, he would do it. However, since that's not possible, all he can do is try to stop stuff like that from happening in the future.
Prison Without Physical Walls [1:11:09]
The speaker argues that men who are not incarcerated are also living in a prison, though they're not in a physical prison. He explains that they can't feel in front of everybody and can only show emotion if they're by themselves or do it in some kind of acceptable way.
Harmful Effects of Patriarchy [1:11:30]
The speaker asserts that if they can't see that these things are harmful, they're not really seeing things clearly. He argues that it's handicapping them as a culture and keeping them from being honest about what they're feeling.
Common Ground: Pain and Secrets [1:11:50]
The speaker emphasizes that they all have a story, pain, a past, and dark secrets that they don't think anybody else is going to understand. He notes that as soon as they start talking about it, somebody else gets it.
Unhealed Wounds and False Beliefs [1:12:11]
The speaker explains that by opening up an unhealed wound, somebody else is getting free too. He notes that they may have developed some false beliefs about themselves and internalized their parents' lack of parenting skills.
Being Human [1:12:45]
The speaker concludes that the whole part of existing in this world has nothing to do with being a man and everything to do with being human.
Musical Interlude [1:12:54]
A musical interlude.
Musical Performance [1:13:43]
A musical performance.
