Brief Summary
Tam Kaur shares 10 dating mistakes she made before finding a healthy relationship, emphasizing self-awareness and setting appropriate standards. She highlights the importance of being authentic, prioritizing self-love, and trusting intuition over societal expectations. Additionally, she stresses the significance of personal fulfillment and avoiding the trap of making another person one's sole purpose.
- Being authentic and not trying to impress others is crucial.
- Prioritizing self-love and personal fulfillment leads to healthier relationships.
- Trusting intuition and not ignoring red flags is essential.
Introduction
Tam Kaur introduces a video as a follow-up to her previous one on dating rules, this time focusing on dating mistakes she has made. She emphasizes that these mistakes are based on her personal experiences and not generic dating advice. She also promotes her social media channels, including her second YouTube channel where she shares content about her relationship, and her self-love guide book available on Amazon.
Trying to Make a Good Impression
One of the biggest dating mistakes is trying to make a good impression. According to Tam, trying to influence someone's perception of you can make you appear as a "chaser" and give the other person too much power. She believes that being yourself is the best approach, as it showcases your unique energy, personality, and humor. Trying too hard leads to mirroring and people-pleasing, which can result in ending up with the wrong person. If being yourself isn't enough for someone, they are not the right match for you, saving you time and energy in the long run.
Dating Others Before Dating Yourself
Dating other people before getting to know yourself is a mistake. Tam emphasizes the importance of becoming your own boyfriend by taking care of yourself, your values, your mindset, and your confidence. Dating without self-awareness can lead to attracting the wrong people who match the false image you present. She shares her personal experience of attracting people who matched her partying lifestyle when she was lost and not her authentic self. This mismatch caused relationships to fizzle out as she evolved. Starting a journey of self-love and self-discovery from the beginning can lead to more aligned and successful relationships.
Trying to Take It Slow
While it's common advice to take things slow in dating, Tam disagrees when it comes to emotional honesty. She advocates for putting your cards on the table early by openly discussing feelings and future expectations. She believes that withholding serious conversations to avoid scaring someone off can lead to settling for less. By asking direct questions about preferences and expectations, you can quickly identify incompatible partners and avoid wasting time. Tam shares that openly asking questions led her to her current boyfriend, who matched her energy and values.
Looking at Facts Over Your Own Intuition
Ignoring your intuition and focusing solely on facts is a significant dating mistake. Tam recounts instances where she dated seemingly perfect guys but felt uneasy. Despite lacking concrete reasons, she often dismissed her gut feeling due to societal pressure and advice from friends. She shares a story where ignoring her intuition led her to discover that a man she was dating was cheating on his girlfriend with her. Tam stresses that your body and mind often know before you do, and it's crucial to trust your instincts, even without tangible evidence.
Making Another Person Your Purpose
Making another person your sole purpose instead of finding your own fulfillment is a detrimental dating mistake. Tam admits she used to prioritize dating and obsess over minor details, negatively impacting her energy and relationships. She emphasizes that if your primary goal is to be liked or in a relationship, it radiates off you and attracts people who will take advantage of your vulnerability. Pouring emotional energy into personal passions and hobbies is essential for creating your own happiness and maintaining balance in relationships. Tam shares how her YouTube channel provided her with a sense of purpose, community, and self-love, allowing her to contribute positively to the world.
Sticking to One Person
Tam used to be against the idea of dating multiple people at once, but she changed her mind after accidentally finding herself in that situation. She emphasizes that she is not saying that you should do this every single time you date, but don't write off the idea of it. She found that it helped her stay levelheaded and detach her emotions. It allowed her to move away from the mindset of obsessing over one person and instead focus on figuring out who matches her better and aligns with her life.
Comparing with My Past Dating Experiences
Comparing current dating experiences with past relationships is a mistake. Tam shares that she tried to replicate a previous relationship that made her happy, but it was a mistake because it's not a one-size-fits-all solution. She was trying to replicate an old relationship she was in with a narcissist, but she didn't know it at that point. She learned that everyone is a different experience, and you don't stay the same person forever. What might have fulfilled you and made you happy in one relationship last year might not be the same thing that's going to fulfill you match you and align with your life today.
Thinking the More Time the Better
Thinking that more time spent together equates to a better relationship is a misconception. Tam recalls relationships where constant hangouts led to normalized low effort and a decline in romance. She learned that quality time is more important than quantity. She would rather focus on her own life, purpose, and independence and then see you twice a week instead and have that be our quality romantic time that is thought out that we've planned for each other.
Not Knowing the Bare Minimum
Not recognizing the bare minimum in a relationship is a significant mistake. Tam explains that she had no idea there were men out here that would love you so much pour so much effort and time into every single date they plan for you and literally act like they worship the ground that you walk on every single day because they are that obsessed with you and they literally are. She advises paying less attention to the relationships of others, which can skew your standards downwards, or researching healthy relationships to influence your perception of what average love should be.
Bonus: Assessing Everything But Self-Esteem
The most overlooked dating mistake is assessing everything in a person but self-esteem. Tam shares a story about a guy who checked all the boxes but had deep-rooted insecurities that he projected onto her. She emphasizes that while having insecurities is not wrong, it's important to be consciously aware of how it might show up in your life. You deserve someone who is capable of doing the same for their own insecurities so that you guys can actually build a healthy relationship together.
