TLDR;
This video features Dr. Becky Kennedy discussing emotion regulation, boundaries, and the impact of technology on frustration tolerance. Key points include:
- Emotion regulation is a skill learned through attachment and co-regulation.
- Holding opposing truths is crucial for mental health and relationships.
- Boundaries are what you will do, requiring nothing from others.
- Acknowledge, validate, and permit (AVP) is a foundational emotion regulation skill.
- Technology affects frustration tolerance in both children and adults.
Introduction [0:00]
Dr. Becky Kennedy introduces herself as a clinical psychologist, a mother of three, and the founder of the online parenting platform called Good Inside. She emphasizes the importance of reclaiming access to healthy anger and learning effective emotion management skills.
Emotion Regulation as a Skill [0:35]
Emotion regulation is a skill, similar to parenting, that can be improved with practice and professional help. Children are born with emotions but lack the skills to manage them, leading to acting out when emotions exceed their abilities. These skills are primarily learned through attachment with parents, involving concepts like dysregulation, co-regulation, and emotion regulation.
Disregulation, Co-Regulation, and Emotion Regulation [2:09]
Children often experience disregulation because their emotions outweigh their skills, resulting in tantrums and outbursts. Co-regulation occurs when a caregiver remains calm, transferring a sense of calm to the child, which helps the child gradually absorb regulation skills. This process, repeated over time, enables the child to access internal calm and eventually achieve emotion regulation. Adults also benefit from co-regulation, highlighting its ongoing importance.
Holding Opposing Truths [6:47]
Holding opposing truths is essential for mental health and successful relationships. Feelings are complex, and acknowledging conflicting emotions without forcing reconciliation brings internal peace. This ability is critical in relationships, allowing individuals to understand different perspectives and resolve conflicts productively. In parenting, it means accepting that both the parent and child can have valid, differing feelings about boundaries.
Understanding Boundaries [10:33]
Boundaries are defined as what you will do, requiring nothing from the other person. A true boundary involves telling someone what you will do, where its success doesn't depend on the other person's actions. Setting effective boundaries gives you back your power and preserves connection by setting kids up for success and avoiding reliance on their impulse control. This principle applies to both parenting and workplace relationships, where clear actions and expectations foster respect and connection.
Recognizing Overwhelm [16:27]
Instead of focusing on how to calm down when already overwhelmed, it's more effective to recognize the early signs of overwhelm and take preventative action. This involves acknowledging anger as a healthy emotion that signals unmet needs and wants. By recognizing anger early, individuals can communicate their needs directly and take steps to avoid reaching a breaking point.
AVP Practice: Acknowledge, Validate, Permit [22:39]
The AVP (Acknowledge, Validate, Permit) practice is a foundational emotion regulation skill. Acknowledging involves recognizing and naming the feeling, which helps to separate the feeling from one's entire identity. Validating means understanding why the feeling makes sense, which doesn't excuse inappropriate behavior but recognizes the emotion as real. Permitting involves allowing oneself to experience the feeling without judgment, which reduces its intensity.
Coddling vs. Building Capability [28:44]
Validation is not coddling; coddling limits a child's capability, while validation helps build resilience. The key is to combine "I believe you" (validation) with "I believe in you" (capability). This approach involves acknowledging the child's feelings while also expressing confidence in their ability to handle challenges. This balance helps children develop resilience and the ability to cope with difficult situations.
Impact of Screens on Emotion Regulation [34:10]
Screens and technology significantly impact emotion regulation by reducing frustration tolerance. The ease and immediate gratification provided by screens contrast with the effort and delayed rewards needed for real-world tasks like learning to read. This dynamic affects both children and adults, leading to decreased tolerance for inconvenience and increased reliance on screens for quick solutions. To counter this, it's essential to build frustration tolerance in both children and adults by incorporating more waiting and effort into daily life.
