TLDR;
This YouTube video features a conversation between a psychologist and Tessa, who discusses her struggles with trauma, relationships, and self-perception. Tessa shares her experiences with feeling disconnected, her difficulty in forming genuine connections, and her complex relationship with women, stemming from past humiliation and competition. She also touches on her strategies for feeling safe, her fear of being ordinary, and her journey towards healing and self-acceptance.
- Tessa discusses her past trauma and its impact on her current relationships and self-perception.
- She explores her complex relationship with women, marked by competition and fear of judgment.
- Tessa shares her strategies for feeling safe and her fear of being ordinary.
Intro / Healing from Trauma [0:00]
Tessa expresses her desire to explore her inner self and address the fragmentation she's experiencing, despite having overcome many of her past symptoms. She describes a recurring pattern of feeling completely healed one day, only to be overwhelmed by her issues the next. When asked about what she is healing from, Tessa identifies trauma and its manifestations, particularly in how she regulates her emotions externally.
Shutting Down / Struggling to Label Feelings / Avoiding her Diagnosis [3:02]
Tessa struggles to articulate her experiences and emotions, feeling shut down and disconnected from her feelings. She admits to feeling stressed about revealing her diagnosis, fearing judgment or invalidation. She prefers to make her own impression on people and worries that a diagnosis might alter their perception of her. Tessa acknowledges her difficulty in fully opening up to therapists in the past.
Trauma with Women / Competition / Fear of Judgment [6:35]
Tessa reveals that she has trauma with women, which might be the reason she is shutting down. She shares her past experiences of humiliation and competition with women, which led to bitterness and violent thoughts. She admits to having hated other women and constantly tearing them down in her mind. Tessa also expresses her fear of being judged or rejected by women.
Struggling to Want Connection / Fear of Being a Fraud / Using People for Selfies [15:03]
Tessa admits that she struggles to want connection with people, including men. She often goes out with guys to feel good about herself but struggles to be interested in them. With women, she feels an expectation of interest and connection, but she struggles with boredom and fears being seen as a fraud. She also admits to using women for selfies on Instagram to appear popular, struggling to want anything beyond that.
Safety Strategies / Waiting Until People Adore Her First or Shutting Them out [17:33]
Tessa reveals her safety strategies in relationships, particularly with women. She often waits for them to be obsessed with her before exploring a deeper connection or keeps interactions surface level. She questions the limitations of this strategy, wondering if it contributes to her suffering. Tessa also admits to shutting people out or devaluing them if they don't meet her expectations.
Her "Worthless" Past Self / Reliving What She Never Got / Trauma of Being Unnoticed [23:33]
Tessa explains that her desire to look popular and cool stems from her trauma of being unnoticed and feeling worthless in the past. She is constantly trying to be the opposite of her past self and reliving what she never got, such as dates, admiration, and acceptance. She describes the feeling of waking up every day in a body and mind that felt worthless and unwanted.
Ordinary & Together vs Extraordinary & Alone [27:12]
Tessa expresses her fear of being ordinary and replaceable, which makes it difficult for her to relate to people. She feels stressed when someone relates to her, as it makes her feel less special. She faces a dilemma between being lonely and extraordinary or connected and ordinary, struggling to choose between the two.
Boredom / Loneliness / Breakdown of Self / Going to Therapy [30:07]
Tessa explains that boredom and loneliness drove her to therapy after experiencing a breakdown of self. She realized that her trauma was the cause of her suffering and that only she could make it better. She used to rely on others to take away the pain, but she realized that she had agency and could create change herself.
Disappointment in People / People Are Going to Fail You [32:35]
Tessa discusses her disappointment in people's inability to perfectly meet her needs. She always expected them to fail her, but she still got mad when they did. She realized that people are human and are going to meet her needs sometimes and not others. She is working on accepting this and finding the good in the world.
Struggling for Human Connection / Needing Evidence to Change [36:25]
Tessa wonders why she struggles to even want human connection, as it seems to go against the natural human desire for relatedness. She only does things when she sees evidence for how it will benefit her life or alleviate her suffering. She seeks understanding and evidence for why it would be good to want connection with women or other people.
Dysregulated Self-Esteem / Tessa's Self-Defense [40:35]
The psychologist suggests that some of Tessa's core issues are around self-esteem, which triggers a defensive reaction from Tessa. She clarifies that she doesn't hate herself and wants to separate her trauma from her self-perception. The psychologist reframes it as dysregulated self-esteem, without judgment.
Wrapping Up / Having a Female Therapist / Trust Issues [46:07]
The psychologist suggests that having a female therapist could be useful for Tessa, as it would provide opportunities for mini exposures and address her trust issues. Tessa admits that having a woman point out her self-esteem issues was intense. She seeks a coping skill to believe people easier, but the psychologist explains that it's not a skill that can fix mistrust issues, but rather therapy.
