TLDR;
This video discusses the dynamic of "chase and run" in romantic relationships, where one partner seeks more closeness while the other withdraws. Julitta Dębska explains how this pattern can arise after the initial infatuation phase and explores the underlying reasons from childhood experiences and attachment styles. She offers advice for both the chaser and the runner to break free from this cycle and build healthier relationships.
- The "chase and run" dynamic often emerges after the initial infatuation phase in romantic relationships.
- Childhood experiences, such as relationships with parents, can significantly influence attachment styles and relationship patterns.
- Understanding one's attachment style and past experiences is crucial for breaking free from unhealthy relationship dynamics.
- Both the "chaser" and the "runner" can take steps to address their behaviors and create more balanced and fulfilling relationships.
Introduction [0:00]
Julitta Dębska, a psychologist and relationship coach, revisits and expands on her earlier video about the "she chases, he runs" dynamic in romantic relationships. She notes the positive feedback received over the past five years and aims to provide a more in-depth understanding for both existing viewers and new subscribers. She encourages viewers to subscribe to her channel and engage with the content.
The Initial Phase of Relationships [1:02]
In the initial stages of a romantic relationship, partners often experience intense attraction and can't get enough of each other. They tend to view their partner through "rose-colored glasses," which, according to research, can actually increase the chances of building a lasting relationship. During this phase, there's a lot of energy dedicated to meeting, staying up all night, and constant thinking about each other. However, this phase is temporary due to the unsustainable levels of hormones like adrenaline.
The "Chase and Run" Dynamic [2:48]
After the initial infatuation fades, some individuals react with anxiety, leading to a dynamic where one partner seeks more closeness (the chaser) while the other withdraws (the runner). In this video, the woman is portrayed as the chaser and the man as the runner, but this dynamic can occur in any configuration, including same-sex couples. This pattern is a common relationship dynamic that can be detrimental to romantic relationships.
The Perspective of the "Chaser" [4:01]
Culturally, women are often conditioned to expect a "knight in shining armor" who is entirely devoted, like characters in movies. However, after the initial stage, the partner may transform, becoming emotionally distant and preoccupied with other interests. The woman feels rejected, unimportant, and unloved, leading her to seek answers, criticize her partner's passivity, and become constantly dissatisfied. This behavior, in turn, causes the man to withdraw further, seeking solace elsewhere, potentially leading to addiction or infidelity, which exacerbates the woman's dissatisfaction and can result in aggression or separation.
The Perspective of the "Runner" [7:41]
From the man's perspective, the woman he initially saw as his dream girl transforms into a demanding and critical person. He feels that no matter what he does, it's never enough. He withdraws to his "cave" to cope, hoping that distance will improve the relationship. However, the woman pursues him, increasing her criticism and aggression, leading him to withdraw further or respond with aggression. This creates a cycle where one partner is constantly chasing and the other is constantly running, preventing them from finding common ground.
Attachment Styles and Childhood Experiences [10:20]
This dynamic can be understood through attachment theory. The chaser may have an anxious-ambivalent attachment style, characterized by a strong need for closeness and fear of abandonment, leading to controlling and critical behavior. The runner may have an avoidant attachment style, fearing intimacy and withdrawing when someone gets too close. These attachment styles often stem from childhood experiences.
Childhood Roots of the "Chaser" [12:29]
A woman who chases may have had an emotionally or physically absent father, even if he was present, she may have interpreted his behavior as neglect. For example, a father who worked long hours to provide for his family might have been perceived as emotionally unavailable. She may have felt like she was always second to her siblings. As a result, she may choose partners who remind her of her father's behavior, such as men who are interested in other women or who are emotionally unavailable, reinforcing her feelings of being second.
Childhood Roots of the "Runner" [15:28]
A man who runs may have had a controlling mother who demanded constant closeness and made decisions for him, even into his adolescence. This can lead to him associating intimacy with control, which he seeks to avoid. In some cases, if the father was absent or had addiction issues, the mother may have treated her son as a partner, blurring the boundaries. As an adult, when a woman has expectations or tries to control him, it reminds him of his relationship with his mother, causing him to withdraw.
Breaking the Cycle: Awareness and Change [18:21]
The first step to changing this dynamic is to become aware of these patterns and understand their origins. Recognizing why we choose certain partners and why we engage in these dynamics is crucial. This awareness allows us to make conscious decisions to change our behavior and choose different types of partners.
Advice for the "Chaser" [19:24]
For those who chase, it's important to learn about anxious-ambivalent attachment styles and practice the exercises provided in Julitta's video on the topic (link in description). Redirect the energy spent on analyzing and stressing about the partner back to oneself. Focus on personal needs, rediscover interests, and prioritize self-care. When the partner senses that you are less dependent and have other sources of fulfillment, they are more likely to return and feel less pressured. Working with one's inner child to address feelings of rejection can also bring peace and security.
Advice for the "Runner" [24:28]
For those who run, it's important to understand what the other person needs and why they have such high emotional demands. Explore theories about relationship needs, such as the "languages of love" (materials available on Julitta's channel, link in description). You may be showing love in a way that is not understood by your partner. Working with your inner child to address the controlling parental figure can also be helpful.
Final Thoughts and Resources [26:28]
Julitta acknowledges that this video cannot provide all the solutions but promises to create more content on the topic. She encourages viewers to explore the existing videos on her channel and offers individual online sessions for both individuals and couples struggling with this dynamic. She also promotes her online course on finding love. Julitta encourages viewers to like the video, leave comments, and subscribe to her channel.
