TLDR;
This video talks about what men actually want from women in long-term relationships. It ain't about being a mommy in the traditional sense, but more about a woman being emotionally regulated and secure. The video also touches upon how women sometimes seek to "rescue" men to validate themselves, and why that's not a healthy dynamic. Key takeaways include:
- Men desire emotionally stable women who can make their lives easier, not necessarily easy.
- Women should focus on their own emotional regulation and address personal issues before seeking a relationship.
- Rescuing or mothering a man excessively can lead to resentment and an unbalanced relationship.
Intro: Mommy Energy Explained [0:00]
The video starts by clarifying that when men say they want "mommy energy," they don't mean a woman who completely mothers them. A guy who had good relationships with his parents growing up should be able to handle most of his own emotions. However, if a guy had a messed-up childhood, he might look for a woman to worship him and sacrifice her own happiness for his validation because his self-esteem is low.
What Men Really Want: Emotional Regulation [1:24]
A man who wants a long-term relationship actually wants a woman who is emotionally regulated. This means she's responsible for most of her own feelings and is generally happy and stable. This emotional regulation comes from healing past traumas, stepping away from toxic relationships, and surrounding oneself with positive influences. Forgiving those who hurt you, seeking therapy, and participating in group activities can help release oxytocin and lower cortisol levels, leading to greater emotional stability.
Avoiding the "Rescue" Trap [3:42]
Some women fall into the trap of trying to rescue men to feel better about themselves. They seek out distant or broken men they can "fix" for validation. However, a woman should look for a man who's already emotionally stable. The last bit of work you do together shouldn't feel like a rescue mission, but rather a co-regulation process that doesn't leave you feeling resentful or exhausted.
Co-regulation and Healthy Relationships [5:04]
The video highlights that healthy relationships involve co-regulation, but not complete dependence on your partner for emotional support. Unhappiness often stems from poor relationships with parents and a lack of deep connections with friends. Building strong friendships and learning to relate to people on a deeper level can boost self-esteem. Insecure women often attract other insecure people, leading to toxic relationships.
The Right Kind of "Mothering" [6:20]
Men want a woman who can make their life easier, not do everything for them. Insecurity can lead to overdoing things and trying to "save" a man, which is similar to a parent doing all of their child's homework. A woman should assist and be there for her man, but not become his mother. Over-mothering can lead to resentment. Doing less can sometimes work out better because it attracts regulated guys and deters insecure ones.
Fixing Your 70%: Addressing Personal Issues [9:14]
To become emotionally regulated, address your own personal issues. Start with addictions or compulsive behaviors. Confront anxieties by staying in one place, meeting people, and making friends. Sometimes, fixing emotional issues comes down to addressing small character flaws. This could involve fixing relationships with your parents by accepting them for who they are and letting go of resentment.
The Power of Letting Go and Giving [11:41]
Fixing your 70% involves addressing past hurts, apologizing for mistakes, and opening up to friends. When you're emotionally stable, you don't need constant validation and are able to give without desperately needing something in return. You want their touch, but you're not going to die if you don't get it. This is how you attract a stable guy and "mother" him without being overbearing.
Personal Reflections and Conclusion [13:41]
The speaker shares personal experiences of regulating himself to attract dates, only to attract women who didn't want a relationship. He realized they saw him as someone who just wanted sex and left because they wanted something deeper. This realization came from observing himself and dealing with his own compulsive behaviors. By working on weaknesses and learning to ask for help, he uncovered blind spots and improved his self-esteem.
