TLDR;
This video talks about how avoidant people behave differently depending on whether they see you as just an option or someone they truly love. When you're just an option, they prioritize their freedom and maintain emotional distance. But when they're in love, they show vulnerability, take emotional risks, and struggle with their need for control.
- Avoidants prioritize freedom when you're just an option, but show vulnerability when in love.
- Control is key for avoidants when they don't love you, but they start to surrender when they do.
- Disappearing is a common escape for avoidants, but they always come back if they truly love you.
- Avoidants keep conversations on the surface when you're an option, but show emotional depth when in love.
- Indifference is a shield for avoidants, but jealousy and protectiveness emerge when they fall in love.
- Freedom is paramount for avoidants, but they start prioritizing connection when they're in love.
Emotional Safety vs. Connection [0:00]
When you're just an option to an avoidant, they operate from a place of emotional safety, not emotional connection. They might laugh and flirt, but there's always a wall between you. They give you just enough to keep you interested but not enough to feel secure. Avoidants fear emotional dependence more than loneliness, so they stay in control by choosing when to text, meet, and share. If you expect consistency, they'll pull back because emotional involvement threatens their sense of control.
Cracks in the Wall [1:41]
When an avoidant falls in love, the walls that once protected them start to feel like a prison. Their emotions rise, and you'll notice changes in their behavior. They'll make longer eye contact, use a softer tone, and put more thought into their words. They start to take emotional risks, like opening up about childhood memories or fears, even though it terrifies them. This vulnerability is their way of showing love. They might still pull away to regulate their fear of losing control, but they'll also show care in indirect ways, like checking if you're okay or doing small things to make your life easier.
Control vs. Surrender [3:13]
When you're just an option, control is an avoidant's comfort zone. They dictate the pace and depth of the connection, never fully letting you in. They respond when it's convenient and avoid situations that make them feel emotionally exposed. Underneath this control lies a fear of being consumed or losing themselves. When they sense you're getting closer, they pull away to reassert control. However, when an avoidant falls in love, that control begins to crumble. They experience emotions that don't fit their rules, and you matter more than their comfort. They might act distant one day and affectionate the next, torn between staying safe and surrendering.
The Disappearing Act [5:51]
When you're just an option, disappearing is an avoidant's favorite escape. They vanish without warning, leaving you questioning everything. This withdrawal isn't a reaction to you; it's a defense mechanism to regain control. They convince themselves that pulling away keeps them safe from emotional dependence. When you reach out, they may respond with short, detached messages or none at all. But when an avoidant truly falls in love, their disappearing act changes. They might still withdraw, but they can't fully leave. Even in their silence, they're still there in small ways, like checking your stories or subtly reappearing when they sense you pulling away.
Surface vs. Depth [8:33]
When you're just an option, your connection with an avoidant stays on the surface. Conversations are light, controlled, and emotionally safe. They'll talk about their interests, but you'll never feel them opening up. There's an invisible line you're not allowed to cross. They might charm you, but they redirect the conversation when it gets too emotional. However, when an avoidant truly falls in love, that surface begins to crack. You'll notice moments when their guard drops, even if only for a few seconds. They might talk about something from their past and then quickly try to change the topic.
Indifference vs. Protectiveness [11:04]
When you're just an option to an avoidant, they appear completely indifferent. They could go days without talking and wouldn't seem to notice. They wear indifference like armor to protect their emotions. They don't want to appear affected, jealous, or vulnerable. But when an avoidant falls in love, that indifference starts to crack. Things they once ignored begin to bother them. They notice when you pull away, even if they don't say it. Their tone shifts colder or shorter if you mention another person.
Freedom vs. Connection [13:43]
When you're just an option to an avoidant, freedom is their top priority. They make it clear that they value their independence above all else. They'll keep plans open-ended, avoid labels, and remind you that they don't do attachment. But when an avoidant truly falls in love, something inside them begins to shift. The same freedom they once guarded starts to lose its appeal. They still crave independence, but it no longer feels as fulfilling without you in it.
Risking Vulnerability [16:17]
In the end, the difference between being an option and being loved by an avoidant lies in what they're willing to risk. When you're just an option, they protect themselves with distance, silence, and control. But when they fall in love, their fear doesn't disappear, but it starts to lose its power. You'll see them battling with themselves, wanting closeness but fearing it. Love doesn't suddenly change them, but it makes them try.