TLDR;
This video by Dr. Sid Warrier explores the psychology and neuroscience behind people-pleasing tendencies. It covers the signs of being a people-pleaser, the brain networks involved, the problems associated with it (like anxiety and resentment), and practical steps to break free from this pattern, including setting boundaries, journaling, practicing mindfulness, and seeking therapy. The key takeaway is that while kindness is good, it should stem from a place of abundance and not from fear or anxiety.
- Identifying signs of people-pleasing behavior.
- Understanding the brain networks involved in approval-seeking.
- Recognizing the negative impacts of people-pleasing, such as anxiety and resentment.
- Learning practical steps to overcome people-pleasing tendencies.
Signs of people pleasing [0:00]
The video starts by outlining the common signs of a people-pleaser. These include saying yes when you want to say no, avoiding confrontation or conflict at all costs, prioritizing others' comfort over your own, constantly ruminating about past interactions, and shapeshifting your opinions to match those around you. These behaviors indicate a tendency to prioritize the approval of others, which can lead to problems.
The brain networks behind approval-seeking [1:10]
Dr. Warrier explains the neuroscience behind people-pleasing, focusing on the brain's dopamine and amygdala networks within the limbic system, and mirror neurons within the prefrontal cortex. In people-pleasers, the dopamine network is strongly wired to value others' opinions, making them crave being liked. Simultaneously, their amygdala network is excessively wired to avoid disapproval, leading to anxiety when facing potential rejection. Mirror neurons amplify empathy, making them hyper-aware of others' emotions and further driving their need for approval.
Problem with people pleasing - Anxiety [3:15]
The video highlights the problems associated with people-pleasing. When people-pleasing stems from anxiety, individuals often make choices that are not in their best interest, even self-sabotaging decisions, to make others happy. This can also lead to a "bargain problem," where the people-pleaser expects special treatment in return for their niceness and feels betrayed and resentful when others inevitably have conflicts with them.
4 practical steps to break free: boundaries, journaling, mindfulness & therapy [4:25]
Dr. Warrier provides four practical steps to overcome people-pleasing tendencies. First, practice setting boundaries by starting to say no to things you don't want to do, gradually increasing the difficulty. Second, build self-worth by journaling and writing down things you are proud of, independent of others' opinions. Third, increase mindfulness to become more aware of situations where you compromise your own needs for others. Finally, seek help from a counselor, as cognitive behavioral therapy can be effective in changing these behavior patterns. The video concludes by emphasizing that kindness should come from a place of abundance, not fear.