TLDR;
This YouTube video features Vanessa Van Edwards discussing the power of nonverbal communication and charisma. She emphasizes the importance of balancing warmth and competence in interactions, and provides actionable tips for improving communication skills. The conversation covers a range of topics, from interpreting social cues to using body language to build trust and influence.
- The key to charisma is balancing warmth and competence.
- Nonverbal cues, like gestures and facial expressions, have a significant impact on communication.
- Being authentic and congruent in your communication is essential for building trust and influence.
Smiling and Contagious Cues [0:15]
Research indicates that genuine smiles, characterized by eye crinkles, are more engaging than those without. Authentic happiness is contagious and can positively influence others. In contrast, fake smiles do not produce the same positive emotional response.
Social Rejection Cues and Physiological Responses [1:33]
Social rejection cues, such as eye rolls, sighs, and distancing behaviors, trigger physiological responses like increased field of vision and pupil dilation. Recognizing and labeling these cues can help manage one's emotional response and regain control in social situations. Labeling a cue calms down amygdala.
Controlling Cues for Confidence [4:23]
Controlling and labeling social cues can be a backdoor to confidence. By labeling a cue, you control your own physiology and take control of the situation. This is similar to acknowledging shame in vulnerability, which makes it less scary.
The Lid Flex and Scrutinizing Gaze [5:31]
The "lid flex," or hardening of the lower eyelids, indicates scrutiny and deep thought. It is universally used when trying to see details by lessening the light coming into our eyes. People find partners attractive who are deeply scrutinizing. Spotting this cue in negotiations or conversations can signal that you've hit on something important.
Honoring Cues and Active Listening [7:40]
Controlling cues involves spotting them and responding in a way that makes the other person feel heard. This includes listening deeply to their words, facial expressions, and voice tone. For introverts, controlling non-verbal cues can make their verbal communication more powerful.
Charisma: Warmth and Competence [10:19]
Charisma requires a balance of warmth and competence. Highly competent people may be seen as cold, while highly warm people may not be taken seriously. All people problems stem from an imbalance between warmth and competence. People assess trustworthiness and reliability in every interaction.
Trust and Space Zones [14:26]
To create trust and reliability, it's important to respect personal space. The social zone (18 inches to 3-4 feet) is ideal for video calls and photos. Intimate zone (0-18 inches) can make people uncomfortable. People like someone to come towards them slowly.
The Power of Hand Gestures [18:21]
Showing hands is crucial for building trust. Hiding hands reduces trust. Gestures carry more weight than words and help lower cognitive load. Inhibiting gestures makes it harder to process and explain things.
Dopamine and Achievement-Oriented Words [25:36]
Sparking dopamine through interactivity and surprise increases engagement. Using achievement-oriented words (e.g., "win," "succeed," "master") improves performance and motivation. Priming others with warmth and competence is a gift.
The Impact of Priming Words [27:47]
Priming people with warmth and competence is essential. Avoid negative priming words like "busy" or "challenge." Instead, use warm words (trust, connection) and competent words (efficient, productive). Emojis and exclamation points count as warm words.
LinkedIn and First Impressions [35:15]
When reaching out to people on LinkedIn, find mutual connections and common interests to spark dopamine. Express inspiration and a desire to learn their story of success. There are hidden opportunities in texts, emails, and profiles to create connection.
Vulnerability and the School of Greatness [39:13]
The book "School of Greatness" was a source of inspiration for Vanessa. She channeled Lewis Howes during a photoshoot. Acknowledging and appreciating others can gift them confidence and motivation.
Nonverbal Bridges and Vocal Power [40:31]
Creating nonverbal bridges, such as handing someone something, can create oxytocin and bonding. Vocal power, especially inflection, is crucial. Avoid the question inflection (uptalk), which undermines competence.
Jamie Simenoff's Shark Tank Pitch [44:25]
Jamie Simenoff, the founder of Ring, lost his Shark Tank pitch due to low warmth and competence cues. He used the question inflection and undersignaled warmth and competence. Over-rehearsing can also hinder authentic communication.
Charisma vs. Narcissism [49:47]
There's a difference between charisma and narcissism. Danger zone cues, which are hard to inhibit, can reveal bad intentions. These include lip purses, sudden distancing, and high blink rates.
Danger Zone Cues and Toxic People [52:11]
Manipulative people may try to control certain cues, but others, like blink rate, are harder to manage. Toxic people force us to use warm cues inauthentically. The antidote is to set boundaries and remove toxic people from your life.
Authenticity and Competence [1:01:41]
When dealing with someone you don't like, focus on competence rather than faking warmth. Be authentic in your boundaries and communication. If someone is neither warm nor competent, seek help or remove them from your life.
New Charisma Cues [1:05:12]
A new cue is the difference in nodding between men. When you know a guy, you nod up. If you don't know a guy, you nod down.
Body Language Cues of Leaders [1:08:34]
Leaders should be relaxed and take up space. The distance between the earlobe and shoulder indicates confidence. Avoid the runner's stance and pinched shoulders.
Humility Hands and Vocal Fry [1:12:20]
Humility hands (hands on your leg) convey relaxation. Avoid crossing arms, which closes you off. Prevent vocal fry by speaking louder and maintaining space.
Steeples and Thumb Pinches [1:18:32]
The steeple (fingertips touching) shows competence and control. The thumb pinch, used by Obama, is a subtle thumbs-up gesture. Use cues that feel natural to you.
Volume and Power Pauses [1:20:06]
Volume dynamism is a powerful competence cue. Use power pauses before sharing something important, rather than at the end of a sentence.
Palm Gestures and the Last Supper [1:21:56]
Palms open are gestures of openness, while palms down show dominance. In "The Last Supper," Christ balances warmth and competence with one palm up and one palm down. Judas is depicted with a clenched fist and distancing behavior.
Gratitude and Greatness [1:30:47]
Life is too short to fake it. Find real warmth or competence, or get rid of it. There are unique flavors of charisma. Your words and cues have power, so don't waste them. Gratitude is the most powerful word. Greatness is showing up as you are, with integrity.