Brief Summary
In this video, Tam Kaur shares 15 dating rules that have significantly transformed her life and led her to a healthy, loving, long-term relationship. She emphasizes the importance of testing potential partners, recognizing boredom as a lack of experience with good partners, and prioritizing kindness. She also discusses the significance of conversation, not forcing connections, and keeping personal boundaries private early on.
- Testing potential partners thoroughly.
- Recognizing boredom as unfamiliarity with healthy relationships.
- Prioritizing kindness and good character.
Intro
Tam Kaur shares that her current relationship is with a kind, generous, masculine, and chivalrous man. She acknowledges that before meeting him, she experienced a rocky journey filled with manipulation and chasing emotionally unavailable men. Through those experiences, she learned 15 significant dating lessons that completely changed her life and are the reason she is in her current relationship.
Dating Rule #1: The Testing Process
Tam emphasizes the importance of testing potential partners instead of just going with the flow. She used to think that being good-looking, kind, and intelligent was enough, but she eventually realized that she needed to test guys on deeper levels. She assesses whether they ask meaningful questions to understand her and thoroughly listen to what she says, or if they just engage in small talk and flirting. She also highlights that the first message a guy sends online is a test, and she no longer responds to unoriginal messages like "hey beautiful." She also tests how long it takes for them to state their intentions and plan a date. If they haven't planned a date within 7 days, she loses interest. She also evaluates the effort put into the first date, preferring more than just a casual coffee. Finally, she looks at the post-date intentions, expecting a suggestion for a second date within 48 hours.
Dating Rule #2: Boredom is Lack of Experience with Good Guys
Tam discusses how being addicted to the highs and lows of dating "bad boys" and emotionally unavailable men can make dating a good guy seem boring. She explains that the constant chasing and withdrawal of affection create an addictive cycle. When someone is consistently showing interest and planning dates, it can feel unfamiliar and lead to the assumption that you don't like them enough. She emphasizes that this feeling is really just unfamiliarity with stability and that you need to heal and stop equating addiction with feelings to make a relationship with a good guy work.
Dating Rule #3: The Importance of Kindness
Tam stresses the importance of kindness in relationships, noting that it is often overlooked. She defines kindness as avoiding screaming, the silent treatment, swearing, insults, and disrespect. Kindness can manifest as planning dates, words of affirmation, compliments, and helping with tasks. She argues that attraction to "bad boys" is often rooted in ego and the desire for something unattainable. She advises paying attention to how a guy opens a conversation and highlights Bumble's new compliment feature as a way to weed out toxic individuals.
Dating Rule #4: Conversation is Everything
Tam warns against excessive talk about the past or the future. Trauma dumping early on is a red flag and a sign of a narcissist trying to entrap you. Similarly, excessive talk about the future indicates clinginess and desperation. Conversations should focus on understanding each other and assessing compatibility.
Dating Rule #5: Not Being Obsessed With Me Is An Ick
Tam explains that if someone isn't enthusiastic about you, it's okay to move on. She advises against forcing connections and teaching people how to treat you. If someone isn't a "hell yes" about you, you should be a "no" about them. She encourages developing confidence and self-worth so that you recognize when someone isn't appreciating your value.
Dating Rule #6: Do Not Spill Your Secrets
Tam advises against revealing your boundaries, standards, type, or past treatment early in the dating process. Sharing this information can give someone a "cheat sheet" on how to manipulate you. Instead, she recommends observing their behavior and allowing them to earn your trust.
Dating Rule #7: Stop Discrediting Yourself for What Happened in the Past
Tam encourages viewers to stop dwelling on past dating mistakes. She argues that these experiences provide wisdom and prepare you for future relationships. She advises trusting your intuition and not settling out of fear of another breakup.
Dating Rule #8: Attachment Styles Are The Key
Tam explains the four attachment styles: secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. She notes that anxious and avoidant individuals are often drawn to each other, reinforcing their insecure beliefs. She recommends transforming your attachment style into a secure one before seriously dating and refers viewers to her video guide on attachment styles.
Dating Rule #9: He Should Be Testing You Too
Tam states that while a man should be eager to romance and get to know you, he should also be independently assessing your compatibility with his life. This indicates that he is looking for a real, long-term, healthy relationship.
Dating Rule #10: Be With a Man Who Wants to Be a Boyfriend
Tam advises being with someone who is excited about the responsibilities of being a boyfriend and is willing to put in the work to earn the title. She contrasts this with guys who just want the benefits of a girlfriend without the responsibilities.
Dating Rule #11: Feminine Energy
Tam shares that living in her masculine energy involved trying to control situations and constantly assessing the guy's feelings. She advocates for embracing feminine energy by living a soft life, having high standards, and being secure in who you are. This attracts men who are willing to match your self-treatment and elevates your life.
Dating Rule #12: You Are Not Just Dating a Person, You Are Dating a Lifestyle
Tam emphasizes the importance of assessing someone's lifestyle and values, not just their qualities. She advises considering whether their ambitions, family values, and lifestyle preferences align with yours.
Dating Rule #13: They Are Not There to Save You
Tam shares her past mistake of seeking out men with similar parental issues, thinking they would understand each other better. She realized that she was attracting unhealed individuals with bad attachment styles. She advises basing connections on how you have evolved from trauma and focusing on your own healing.
Dating Rule #14: They Need to Be Judged for How They Act in Every Other Area of Their Life
Tam advises observing how someone acts in other areas of their life, such as with their family, friends, and work. This provides insight into their character, mentality, and potential toxic traits. She notes that it's about finding someone with flaws that are compatible with your own.
Dating Rule #15: What Does Your Dream Life Look Like
Tam concludes by emphasizing that romantic love is just one part of life. She encourages viewers to focus on fulfilling other areas of their lives, such as hobbies, experiences, and self-growth. She advises visualizing potential joy in various aspects of life instead of relying on one person for everything. She also shares that you attract the love you deserve when you stop looking for it.
