TLDR;
This video breaks down the regret timeline of a fearful avoidant ex after a breakup. It explains their internal conflict, how they end relationships, and the four stages they go through post-breakup: the relief bubble, the crash, the push-pull regret phase, and resolution or repetition. The video also offers advice on what to do if they reach out or don't, emphasizing the importance of focusing on your own healing and recognizing that you deserve reliable love.
- Fearful avoidants experience a unique internal conflict: wanting close relationships but also fearing them.
- Their regret timeline involves stages of relief, followed by a crash when reality sets in, leading to potential push-pull behavior.
- The video stresses the importance of self-healing and recognizing patterns to make informed decisions about the future.
Why Fearful Avoidants Push You Away [0:00]
The video introduces the topic of fearful avoidant attachment style and how it affects relationships, particularly after a breakup. It addresses the common experience of being pushed away by an ex just as things seemed to be getting serious, and the confusion and uncertainty that follows. The video promises to explain when and how fearful avoidants experience regret and what that means for the viewer.
The Internal Conflict Explained [0:41]
Fearful avoidants have a deep internal conflict. They want close relationships but are also terrified of them. This creates a push-pull dynamic in their relationships, where they desire intimacy but feel danger when they get it. This internal struggle leads to exhausting and confusing behavior for both partners.
Fearful vs. Dismissive Avoidant [1:17]
Fearful and dismissive avoidants both experience an inner conflict, but they handle it differently. Dismissive avoidants repress their feelings, acting like they don't need anyone. Fearful avoidants, on the other hand, feel everything intensely and show it. Dismissive avoidants are more consistently distant, while fearful avoidants cycle between anxious and avoidant behaviors, planning a future one day and questioning everything the next.
How Fearful Avoidants End Relationships [2:40]
Fearful avoidants typically end relationships in three phases, which sets the stage for their regret timeline. These phases are deactivation, exit strategy, and relief. Understanding these phases is crucial to understanding their behavior and potential for regret.
Phase 1: Deactivation Begins [3:43]
The deactivation phase starts when a fearful avoidant feels too close or vulnerable. They begin to find faults in the relationship, create distance, pick fights, or become emotionally unavailable. This behavior is not usually conscious but is their attachment system trying to restore a sense of safety. They are not intentionally sabotaging the relationship but are acting out of a subconscious belief that getting too close will lead to pain.
Phase 2: The Exit Strategy [5:23]
In the exit strategy phase, the fearful avoidant creates a crisis or finds a reason to end things. They might say they need space, are not ready for commitment, or focus on minor incompatibilities. Sometimes, they may even cheat or engage in self-sabotaging behaviors to force the relationship to end. While avoidant attachment doesn't automatically mean someone will cheat, studies show a slightly higher likelihood compared to securely attached individuals. However, past cheating behavior is a significant risk factor for future infidelity, regardless of attachment style.
Phase 3: The Relief Phase [7:38]
After deactivating and exiting the relationship, fearful avoidants enter the relief phase. They feel as if the pressure is gone, the danger has passed, and they can finally relax. This is why they may seem cold or indifferent right after the breakup, genuinely feeling good and like they made the right decision.
Stage 1: The Relief Bubble (Week 1–4) [9:13]
In the first few weeks after the breakup, the fearful avoidant ex is in the "relief bubble," feeling free from the anxiety the relationship caused. They might seem to be doing great on social media, going out, focusing on themselves, and dating other people. This phase can be brutal for the person left behind, as the ex seems completely fine while they are falling apart. However, they are not processing the loss yet; their brain is protecting them from the pain by keeping them in this bubble of relief.
Stage 2: The Crash (Week 4–12) [11:26]
Between weeks 4 and 12, the relief bubble pops, and reality sets in. Their nervous system can't stay in protection mode forever, and the reality of the loss starts to seep in. The crash usually happens when specific situations force them to confront what they've given up. Triggers include seeing you move on, feeling your absence during important moments, and realizing that casual dating feels empty. They begin to realize the grass isn't greener on the other side and that other relationships feel shallow compared to what you had. Nostalgia kicks in, and they start to remember the good times and how safe they felt with you.
Emotional Whiplash & Mixed Signals [15:01]
Even when experiencing regret, fearful avoidants are still fearful avoidant. They may not reach out, or if they do, they might send mixed signals because they want you back but are still terrified of intimacy. This can manifest as breadcrumbs, subtle attempts to reconnect, or showing up at places they know you'll be.
Stage 3: Push-Pull Regret (Month 3–6) [16:01]
Around months 3 to 6, a push-pull dynamic emerges. If the fearful avoidant ex reaches out during this period of regret, you'll experience emotional whiplash. They might come on strong, saying they made a mistake and want to work things out, but then quickly pull back and disappear. This is their attachment system in action: they want the connection, but getting close triggers their fears. They may experience nostalgic regret, comparative regret, growth regret, or fear-based regret. This phase is both helpful and dangerous because while they clearly experience real regret and want you back, without real work on their attachment patterns, you're likely to end up in the same cycle that led to the breakup.
Stage 4: Resolution or Repetition (6+ Months) [18:18]
Six months or more after the breakup, the long-term outcome unfolds. A fearful avoidant ex will typically go in one of three directions: genuine growth and change, acceptance and moving on, or the cycle repeats. Some use the regret phase as a wake-up call and seek help to work on their attachment patterns. Others accept that the relationship is over and focus on moving forward, carrying some regret but having processed it. Unfortunately, many get stuck in the regret cycle, reaching out periodically but without having done the deep work to change their patterns, leading to a repeated cycle of reconnection and withdrawal.
What to Do If They Reach Out [21:28]
If your fearful avoidant ex reaches out, don't ignore your own healing journey. Look for evidence of genuine change, not just regret. Consider whether you're willing to rebuild trust, and remember that getting back together would require work from both of you.
What to Do If They Don’t Reach Out [22:01]
If they don't reach out, their silence doesn't mean they don't care or don't regret the breakup. Part of them is likely still protecting themselves from further hurt by staying away. Focus on your own healing and growth, and do not wait for closure from them; you can create your own closure.
You Deserve Reliable Love [22:32]
The fearful avoidant regret timeline is complex because fearful avoidants themselves are complex. They can genuinely love you and still not be able to sustain the relationship. They can regret losing you and still not be able to do the work to win you back. Understanding their timeline isn't about figuring out how to get them back, but about understanding what happened so you can heal and make better choices moving forward. You deserve a relationship where love feels safe and reliable.