TLDR;
Okay, so this video is all about self-control and how to actually improve it using science-backed methods. Turns out, self-control isn't what we think it is. It's not about forcing yourself to do things, but more about being aware of the internal conflicts you're facing. Key takeaways include:
- Self-control is linked to monitoring internal conflict in the brain.
- Emotional regulation and stress drain self-control by diverting attention away from internal conflicts.
- Improving self-control is about increasing awareness of your internal state and conflicts, not just "doing it."
You don’t really listen to you [0:11]
The main problem is that you want to do things like eat healthy, exercise, and sleep on time, but you don't really listen to yourself. People often search for individual solutions to these problems, but the real issue is self-control. If you could control yourself better, all these things would improve. People try to boost self-control with supplements or hard things like cold showers, but these don't really work. Cold showers just make you good at tolerating cold showers. The science of self-control is not really understood. Recent studies show that self-control doesn't really exist, and understanding this can help improve it.
Understanding self control [3:27]
A long time ago, yogis discovered that awareness comes before control. If you can't feel something, you can't control it. Psychologists in the 90s and 2000s thought self-control was a fixed personality trait. But researchers found it's actually a diminishing resource, like a Mana bar that gets depleted. Some days you can control yourself, but on stressful days, it's harder. The more self-control you use, the more it depletes.
What diminishes your self control? [5:22]
Two things really drain your self-control: emotional regulation and stress. If you're always suppressing your emotions, it reduces your self-control. Stress also reduces self-control. People in stressful situations have less self-control. Meditation can help boost self-control, but if you had the self-control to meditate, you wouldn't need to. So, what's going on in the brain when emotional regulation and stress drain self-control?
Monitoring conflict is self control [10:03]
Scientists found that the anterior singulate cortex, which monitors internal conflict, is key. When you stop monitoring internal conflict, your self-control goes out the window. Self-control isn't really a thing; it's just the ability to monitor internal conflict. You only exert self-control when there's an internal conflict. For example, wanting pizza versus eating a salad. As long as the conflict is being monitored, you're in control. The moment you stop monitoring, you lose control. People think they stop monitoring because they've lost or won the battle, but it's the other way around. Stopping monitoring leads to losing the battle.
How to monitor conflict yourself [12:20]
The more you suppress your emotions, the worse your self-control gets. If you're emotionally turbulent, you're more likely to give in to bad behaviors. Learn to regulate your emotions through therapy, journaling, or walks. You can't improve self-control if you're emotionally turbulent. Stress also affects self-control. When stressed, people externalize their attention to solve problems, which makes them stop paying attention to internal conflict. Re-internalize your awareness by checking in with yourself for 15-30 minutes. Just ask yourself how you're feeling. Increasing awareness of the internal self boosts the conflict monitoring system. Self-control and awareness are the same thing.
Exerting self control [15:40]
You don't need to do anything else; self-control is awareness of internal conflicts. This is confusing because it doesn't feel like that. When trying to control yourself, you won't find good answers because they don't exist. Meditation is good for improving self-control because you're just paying attention to your breath, not controlling it. Awareness is control. You don't have to do formal meditation; the muscle of self-control is the muscle of conflict monitoring. Pay attention to your internal conflict, and the more you sit with that conflict, the more you'll be able to exert control. People who "just do it" have a high awareness of internal conflict. To develop self-control, don't try to solve the wrong problem. Just pay attention to your internal conflict, and the longer you're aware of it, the more in control you'll be.
